remember

I wish I could remember that my deodorant is low or the dishwasher needs soap or that I have to cook again tomorrow night’s dinner (again).

I can’t do spaghetti again.

I was at the store today, I got the presents. Not wrapped or under the tree. Did I remember everyone?

I wish I could go back to the pews and sit and stand and sing and smile. The way I used to before. They didn’t kick me out, I just knew it was a lie to stay.

A long time of Christmas Eve services, always there for baby Jesus and the coffee and cream and hot cocoa and good cheer.

Now.

It is different.

The smiles, the service, the pats on the back.

The quiet words of disapproval, disappointment, disconnected, disbelief.

It is all the same.

same menu.

I call out for you Jesus.

You who I need and worship and confess to and long for.

You who reached for me at my desperate cries and despair in my grief and loss and fear and spoke

I AM.

You said you are here for me and you are.

The people are precious and the people are mine, but the people are just people.

You said

Do not be afraid

And I’m not anymore.

The candy-land game board and the messy counter and the unaffordable haircut and the unattainable friend.

You say

I am here

I’m not leaving

I’ve got you

And you do

I believe

In this changed syllabus

I believe.

Miracles (fear no more)

I walked many moons

partially a person, partially not

Will this pass

as mama said it would?

Breathing: difficult.

Pressure: no relief.

It is me who requires the acceptance of losses and celebrations of wins:

Survival.

I gain a new fashion falling at my hips and draping loosely down my legs.

my clothing size is not different

Yet

I shed the heavy sweaters I was wearing:

Lightness.

I continue with a full closet

Many things are hanging off hangers

No place, but still needed

Stacked in piles

It must remain

I am not scared of it anymore

The sun is shining through the tiny closet windows

The Light that I long for is glistening,

urging me:

Embrace me

Fear has lifted

longing for the past departs

The miracle was here,

is here, is now, is to come.