More of a reader

I’ve been more of a reader these past few months than a writer. I stare at a blank screen almost every time I go to write and the words do not come. Usually they do, they used to, but presently, the words have been stuck somewhere in me and I can’t locate them.

Everything I write feels so cringeworthy. Reading my old blog posts feels so cringeworthy. I love writing, it is the thing that gives me life, but also I hate it when it fails me, or I it.

The books have been a healing of sort, a community, friends that come and fill the parts of my soul that need a story: interesting, true, happy, sad, epic and beautiful.

And I sit on the very beginning of a new year and hope for a better one. I am not into resolutions anymore and yet, I am hopeful. Hopeful for an abundant, happy, moving forward year.

When a mom in Abby’s 1st grade class realized that her class would be graduating in 2020, she made the 1st graders an end of the year cake iced in big letters and numbers reading “class of 2020”. We all laughed and shared how clever this mom was to put that together and make the cake, not believing for one second that we would actually get there. It was 2008-2009 for reals and 2020 might as well been 2090 for all we knew. I had 5 kids ages 9 and under in June of 2009 and one was 5 months old and I wasn’t sure I was going to get home, let alone 2020.

Yet, we are here, ending 2019, beginning 2020 with all its fireworks and fun and a little remembering and forgetting is in order.

2019 was hard and wonderful.

We bought a beautiful house with an amazing view of the city and mountains.

Our oldest graduated from high school and got into his dream film school.

My husband directed a short film.

Abby spent 6 weeks in Panama. We literally celebrated her 17th birthday without her.

We swam a lot during the summer.

We announced to the world that our kiddo is transgender and we are loving him and supporting him no matter what.

We have four teenagers living in our house that are also our children.

We have three teenage drivers

We have a wonderful 4 year old boy that I love dearly and am pretty sure if he had been my first, he may have been my only. (Think of a kid that has no fear and wants to run and play ALL the time)

We have a world ninja champion.

Also a middle schooler (same person as above).

After 20 plus years of going to church every Sunday, we have taken a needed respite.

I took my RD exam again and failed.

It was a good, necessary year.

One I’m happy that it happened and also happy to see it go.

Lots of loss and lots of pain, lots of lessons learned and memories made.

And back to the writing. I am learning to put the words down (again). Perhaps inspiration will revive. The biggest lesson of all has been to be a participant in my life and truly LIVE with all the insecurities and unknowns, that is just actual life and I’m not going to let it pass without a song, a dance and a fight.